Fault is a topic endlessly spilling into our home, schools and courts. I am not naive enough to think we can control everything. But our minds are fascinating organs. And I know from a lot of experience that when you place fault, you have lost.
Some quick illustrations-
Jon came from a family that simply doesn’t spend unless necessary. They make their own food, take walks for entertainment and wear the same clothing as long as it holds up. I came from a family that has very ambitious projects and dreams. Someone is always cooking up something. And usually fun projects come with a price tag.
Jon and I started our family off as poor young college students and kept going until we had 6 beautiful children. As a stay-at-home mom, I wanted to nurture their talents, have a cute house and do fun things as a family. That was my job, right? But as the wants stacked up Jon invariably felt the pressure to make more money. And he started telling me that he just didn’t feel good enough. To me, making plans for all our finances didn’t mean anything about his worth. We never held a balance on a credit cards and paid extra on the cars and house. I thought we were doing good. But Jon took it personally.
Here is where we get to the blame. Blame is simply an indicator of your internal self. If Jon personally struggles with feeling ‘not good enough’ and if he allows that sentiment to stay, his brain will start finding validation for it. I always thought he was more than enough, but he didn’t. If your subconscious believes something then it will be found. So he was the root cause of this issue, not me at all.
Another example is in my own life. I am a mover. Early on, I made a pre-determination about what kinds of activities were worthy of my time. Homework-yes, Friends-yes, Housework-as little as possible, TV- no ect… There are a lot of hours to fill in a stay at home mom’s life. And a lot of chores too. Some of the options filled my ‘worthy’ check box and some did not. Often I would feel judged by Jon if I wasn’t doing something productive. So I sought for ‘better activities’, one that enlarged my intellect or made money. Oddly, I felt that judgement coming from Jon, but it wasn’t there. He really wants me to be happy and take care of our children. The judgement was coming from within me and I was projecting it onto him.
So our struggle is often of our own making. We play the critic and then feel insecure because we think everyone must be doing the same. We place blame for our ‘less than’ beliefs on a concrete experience. Reality is that if you feel like you are good enough, no one can convince you otherwise. It takes discipline to train our minds, but it can be done. Remarkably we are the Master of our own Fate.